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And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 
– Philippians 4:6-7

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I have sinned a lot in my past and for that I ask forgiveness. Too many sins to remember. I just know I've lied, been deceptive, took when I shouldn't have. I need God everyday cuz I know I do wrong. I'm in a marriage I feel unloved in because I lied and broke trust. I didn't exactly lie I just didn't tell him what I was doing when I found out and he had a tracker in my car. I should have told him when he called but he's so hot tempered I was afraid and was working up the courage and planned on telling him when I got home, but it was to late because he was tracking me. That has damaged my marriage for years. He hasn't touched me in 3 years and the bond is not there. He says when I cry I'm being fake but my heart hurts and the tears are real. He says I have a bad attitude but I'm hurt and feel unloved unwanted. Every fight is my fault because he says he loves me because he pays the bills all by himself and he feeds me. When I'm bothered I ruin his day and I'm a drama queen. Now I'm faced with he has lied to me and has screamed at the top of his lungs for years I'm making something out of nothing when it comes to her. I don't want to be a drama queen but he was in a year long relationship with this woman, had a real relationship and he has fussed and cussed me that he has never been romantic with her because she was married to his cousin but I found out that was a lie. He kicked me out in may and started hanging out with her. On my birthday his bank statement said he visited a Chinese restaurant and spent 60 and he swore that he didn't take anyone out and that he ate more sushi. He had this girl help him on a job site while I was gone but he told me he worked alone ate alone and saw no one while I was gone. Everything he's told me about this girl is a lie. I don't want to be a hypocrite and fuss at him like he does me every time I have a question or having a bad day. I want God to lay on my heart what I need to do. I'm drinking while I'm typing this because it calms my mind because my mind is always busy and I struggle with hearing God and not my own self. My mind never stops so the beer helps slow it down but I need for God is not less because I'm drinking. I'm so torn with what I should do or what God is telling me to do. I need prayer because I keep trying to walk by faith not sight because his actions don't look like love. I know I ruined my marriage but I try to be good and do right. I'm not playing the victim even though I'm sad. I regret what I did but he says he doesn't know how to let it go and I should know I'm loved because I'm here but I don't. Am I so selfish that I'm wanting more than I deserve. I'm so lost everyone tells me to leave him but they love me and they are on my side even when I do wrong so I'm not sure they just aren't being supportive. I need prayer and I need a lot of God's guidance. He doesn't know I know because I don't want him to yell at me or tell me I hurt myself because she told me what she did. He told me when I found her number in his phone he didn't hurt me I hurt myself because I went snooping. He's right if I wouldn't have looked I wouldn't have gotten hurt but if he didn't have it in there I wouldn't have hot hurt when I went snooping. I don't yell at him I try to be calm but he turns red and tells me if I wasn't a female he'd knock my head off my shoulders. I just don't know what God wants me to do. I'm sorry for all the running sentences and typos but I need guidance. Please pray for me and him.

Received: May 15, 2024

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